Surrender. Clarity. Peace.

I've honestly been dragging out this update on purpose. I feel like I've already shared this 425,852 times over the last few days. Almost everytime I do, I feel like there's a little bit more clarity. I am still totally processing, so if there's some rocky areas, I'm sorry. So, here's a shot!.... 


In the last two weeks, my mind was torturously rocking back and forth in a state confusion & indecision. Particularly in the area of discerning the Lord's direction for outreach; whether He was leading me toward South Africa, or Home. There was a proliferating, pounding sense of unrest in my heart. I didn't want to make a "wrong" decision, & I certainly didn't want to make one for the wrong reasons. I was trying to persevere & ignore the rising feeling of unrest. I didn't feel any resounding of peace about moving forward in either direction. Regardless of my circumstances-peace, or not, I did have trust. Trust in His will. Trust that He would give me peace, that He would protect me from harm, that He would provide for the trip financially-IF that was His will for me. I just felt Him calling me to seek Him & to not lean on my own understanding.


So I did! Through prayer, through His word, through counsel & it all eventually directed me back home. Now looking back, I can see the Lord was speaking clear as day. However, being the human being that I am, I was operating in a bit of pride, doubt & denial. Not only was I trying to logically think through, explain, excuse & rationalize everything, but I was basically telling God what I think He should have me do. Throughout that time I made myself quite miserable! It took me quite some time to swallow my pride & trust Him, but nonetheless, it's has been soooo incredibly worth it. It hasn't been a breeze it doesn't completely make sense to me right now. Yet, I know now, more than ever that it doesn't need to. But I know & trust that His will is perfect.


I was just reminded of this verse in Proverbs 3:5-6


5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
   and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to Him,
   and He will make your paths straight


He certainly has made my path straight! 


His will is perfect.
His will is for my best. 
His will is peace. 
His will is joy. 
His will is trustworthy. 
His will brings me to a deeper dependency & intimacy upon Him.


I read this in My Utmost For His Highest today...


"Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One Who is leading. It is a life of faith, not of intellect and reason, but a life of knowing Who makes us "go." The root of faith is the knowledge of a Person, and one of the biggest snares is the idea that God is sure to lead us to success."


It has truly been a magnificent journey that He has lead me on over the last few months. His gentle lovingkindness displayed in the reality that He brought me to Hawaii is more than I can capture & try and force into words. I did absolutely nothing to deserve His love, protection & affection. He is so good at Who He is & what He does.

moldable, teachable, loving hearts (week 7)

Jesus is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo incredible!

I had such an amazing day! The lecture was so challenging & convicting in the best way possible! I've been filled with a joyful repentance!

Our speaker for the week, Brian Brent has been speaking about teachability, & humility (so far). I absolutely love his style of teaching. He doesn't sugar coat the hard stuff at all, yet he doesn't teach in a condemning, or guilt inducing way. He uses a lot of scripture (YAY! finally!!!!!) & he's got real good jokes! 

The Lord has opened my eyes & revealed so many areas to me through the teaching. I have been so  challenged, it's not comfortable, so I know it's gotta be good for me! 

There was a deadline for getting a discount on the airline tickets for outreach today. So, they made an announcement & asked people to donate to teams that didn't have all their funds in yet, so we'd get the discounted tickets. My outreach team was one of those & we needed $2,700 to get the deal! Within a matter of minutes, the Lord provided the money! Miraculous! I now only need to raise something like $3,500 (I think!) for outreach! So amazing!

Please be praying for the Lords direction & provision! For a humble, teachable, steadfast heart for me!

Here's a few shots from my weekend adventure!! It's a long story!! Once I edit the video I will explain more! I will give a short summary though! 

Six friends jammed into the back of a rusty old truck. (awesome, minus the smell of the exhaust)

Super sketchy driving (scary)

Getting lost (good photo opportunities)

"Hike" in the jungle in search of a view of lava flow (FAIL/worst decision ever/almost died/a million mosquito bites/miserable/I hated it/wild boar/more bugbites/LOST)

Black sand beach (epic/beautiful)

Malasadas (couldn't get any better)

More super sketchy driving in the rain (not awesome & more overwhelming exhaust smell/freezing

Hilo (okay)

Even more super duper sketchy driving (absolutely freezing & wet)

KRISTEN & I LOVING LIFE, NOT Aneliese WHAT WE WERE GETTING OURSELVES INTO...

MY AWESOME CANADIAN ROOMMATE, ANELIESE & I. LOVING LIFE  KRISTEN GETTING EAT'N ALIVE MOST BEAUTIFUL HIBISCUS I'VE EVER SEEN!!

 THE GIRLS! 

 THE HIKE DOWN TO THE BLACK SAND BEACH!

 STUNNING VIEW FROM THE VALLEY!

 ONE OF MY FAVORITE PICTURES FROM THE DAY! SO PEACEFUL!

THE BLACK SAND BEACH!

HALFWAY THROUGH!

Woot!!! Woot!!! Another week has flown by!! I literally cannot believe how quickly time soars here! Week 6 has already come & gone! I am half way done with lecture phase already! Such an amazing time I've been having! This has been such an wonderful time! I am so blessed!


God has been doing a lot of magnificent work in my life! I am so grateful for all of the miraculous transformation He is doing! Learning to trust, trust, trust, trust & trust Him some more!! There is SO much freedom in trusting! His love and His control are SO much better than my stumbling & striving!!! I just feel so free! 


The past few days I have been so encouraged meditating on the fact that the victory has already been won! Jesus conquered sin & death on the cross! Therefore, I do not have to strive! In my submission, He works everything together for my good! It is mind-blowing!!


Since I am at the half-way point I am working on another support letter of sorts (if you'd like to receive that-email me your address! paticonde@gmail.com), but I thought I would also extend an invitation to you to partner with me in reaching the people of South Africa on my blog!! I ask that you would pray, pray, pray!! If the Lord lays it upon your heart to support me (financially, or through prayer) in loving on & sharing the gospel with the South Africans. The total cost for my time in South Africa is around $5,000. (So far I've raised a little over $500, So I currently need $4,500). That $5,000 will cover all of my costs while I'm there & it includes airfare.


If you'd like to donate there is a link on this page, to the right to deposit directly into my paypal account! 


I also have made some jewelry that I am selling on my Etsy account! The link to that is also on the right! Any amount of prayer support, as well as financially that you can give would surely be a blessing!


Here's a video that I made from my adventure last weekend! My friends & I rented mopeds from a guy on campus for super cheap & had a BLAST!!! 

It's WEEK 5... ALREADY!

Another week almost finished here at YWAM! Today was pretty great.

Almost the usual Thursday! Woke up late & missed breakfast(not usual part), interesting class, super bomb snack, gross lunch, pretty cool time in prayer room, fun at work duty, gross dinner, loooong Thursday Night Meeting, hangout time, .....soon I will go to sleep. Which I'm getting behind on and really need! Hence me missing breakfast this morning! :)

Speaking of breakfast...this is what I ate since I missed it.......awesome.

We've had a very interesting speaker this week. HA. Again! Not much to say except I've really grown to love drawing/doodling... This is a little picture I drew in class copying a picture I took at the Muir Beach Overlook!

I'm gonna be the first to admit it, Fire & Fragrance is not the DTS that I would have specifically chosen for myself! Obviously Jesus has a far greater plan than I know about right now! He is so GOOD! Even in the midst of the fog & delirium here! As much as I am not stoked about certain things, I am still very confident that He has me here for a purpose. Which, is SO exciting. I had two huge fears in coming here: the first being that I wouldn't like it/that I would want to leave because of that & the second being I would have some major anxiety like I did when I moved to Florida & it would cause me to leave. Fortunately neither are overwhelming, or even really affecting me. It's amazing to just know & trust, especially in the midst of an uncomfortable situation. I definitely see & feel myself growing, even though I may not feel like I'm really opening myself up to(or even try)!  

Kristen and I went to the pier yesterday... Super fun. Got delicious food!

Another doodle from class today. It's a little sketch of my friends & I who formed a "band". Haha! We play "disney songs" at the open mic nights, or at least we plan to! I'm uploading the video from last Friday onto youtube right now! 

...this may be the link for it once it finishes uploading! I will check in the am to be sure! 

  We went into the Innovision Studios today & got some awesome photobooth pics!! We got a good laugh out of this one...

 & this one too!!!

 Kristen, Jeremy, Aaron & I are renting mopeds this Saturday to go on an adventure!! I was testing driving one tonight to make sure I felt comfortable riding it! So much fun! Be praying for safety! Ha! I'm nervous about driving it in traffic!

Pure Heart Pt. 2

I'm going to try & get this DONE! I keep starting posts, then falling asleep! I've literally  worked on this post FOUR times and I still haven't posted it!

Last week was AWESOME!

I don't know exactly where I left off in Pt. 1! So I'm just gonna pick up on my favorite day! WEDNESDAY! The absolute highlight of my time here so far!

Wednesday was True Femininity & True Masculinity! They did the girls & guys teaching hand in hand, which was geeeeenius! Donna Cole started off the morning with the teaching for the ladies on femininity! Super good!!

(Sorry if this next paragraph is a bit rough to read... It's a lot harder to explain via writing, then I thought it would be!!)


Then we moved into a time of ministry, it was SO powerful & healing for me! 
They started off the time by separating the girls in the front of the "classroom" to ask the Lord to reveal areas that needed healing & the female leaders came & prayed for us. While the boys went to the back & prayed/repented for the ways that they had objectified & disrespected girls in the past. After a bit, they had some of the ladies come & share on the mic what the Lord was revealing to them. That was intense. Some of their stories were intense. We all sat for awhile longer and just soaked in the things the Lord was revealing to our hearts. As the time continued the guys began to speak out blessings & apologies outloud. That was nuts for me. I think it was equally nuts for the guys to see the real sensitivity of the Female heart & how damaging that disrespect & dishonor is. After some more time, the guys began to repent on the mic for the ways that they have disrespected, or objectified girls (nothing awkward or inappropriate) & some of them prophesied over us. I think that was one of the most impacting parts for me. Hearing my brothers in Christ apologize on behalf of the boys/men who hurt me in the past, was so insanely powerful. Words were spoken by brothers that I barely know, that my heart has been aching & longing to hear. I was SOO blessed by them. I am SOO thankful for them. My heart was so softened & broken in that time so much!! After that they had us girls get up, turn around, face the guys & look at them. Super hard.
It was so ridiculously, amazingly awesome.
Then we switched & the guys had their own ministry time. I don't have the energy to type all of it out. It was amazing as well. 


We also had a time where we spoke out blessings to each other as brothers and sisters! That was epic as well! Never quite experienced anything like that. IT WAS AWESOME.


After lunch, prayer room (where the Lord did some more amazing work in my heart) & work duty, I hitchhiked with a group of friends to COSTCO for pizza!!! It was pretty epic!

 I was just puttin' on a little deodorant...

delicious costco pizza! 

On the way back all 7 of us climbed in a truck bed! It was hilarious/scary/super windy cause the driver was going hecka fast! Here are some awesome pictures of that!

laughing super hard! 

The guy drove so fast... that it made my hair look SUPER awesome! 

 On Friday night we had Open Mic Night. My friends Jeremy, Rachel, Aaron & I played Colors of the Wind from Pocahontas! I will upload the video of that soon!!

We put on a little war paint! 

 Beach on Saturday!

 First Scandinavian Shave Ice!

Pure Heart Pt. 1

It's Pure Heart week! Officially the best week by far & it's only Tuesday!!!


The Lord is doing some profoundly deep work in my heart! Seriously some intense stuff! It is quite difficult to put into words! Yesterday & today we went through "mother"/"father" wounds & confession. Processing, praying and releasing junk from our lives. I seriously cannot get over how kind & gentle the Lord is! He has been breaking in & flooding healing into so many places. I have never felt such peace in the midst of total chaos.


In class yesterday morning I felt like there were some huge hurts relating to my parental wounds that needed to be healed. But, I was bummed out that I didn't have any colossal breakthrough like I really, really I wanted! I felt the Lord ever so gently speak to my heart "Don't make an idol out of some big breakthrough moment, wait on ME. Don't force it. Wait on MY timing. It's so much better." So I just sat down, bummed out, but trusting.


Then in the prayer room that night I still didn't have some epic breakthrough, BUT the worship was seriously heavenly. I honestly always struggle a lot with focusing in the prayer room. The music/all the people tend to be really loud and chaotic. So, I usually have a hard time connecting or even to the Lord, let alone think! But, the time last night was so different. There was a period of time that I cannot even really express. All of the instruments dropped out & it was just the voices. It was such a holy heavenly moment. All I could think about was the holiness of the Lord. It felt like heaven, or heaven on earth. The voices were so beautiful singing out our own songs, but all the notes blended perfectly. I want to say SO much more about it, but I literally cannot catch the words.


John Thurlow from IHOP was leading us in and out of this song:



So, that was pretty amazing. People were saying that they heard angels singing. I can't say that I know what an angel's voice sounds like(haha) but, it was one of the sweetest, most powerful moments I've had in a time of corporate worship.


I'm too tired to write anymore, so I'll write about today & more later this week!

Untitled...?

So, lots of things to say! It's been awhile since my last update!! 


First of all, February 2 (4 days!!) is our first deadline for outreach funds! AH! It's getting so close!! I would like to extend an invitation to you to partner with me in reaching the people of South Africa. I ask that you would pray, pray, pray!! If the Lord lays it upon your heart to support me in loving on & sharing the gospel with the South Africans. The total cost for my time in South Africa is around $5,000. That will cover all of my costs while I'm there & airfare. 


I trust that the Lord will lay the amount on your heart to contribute & I would encourage you to listen to His voice. I am so thankful for all of your support this far & would be delighted to receive any further support you can offer whether it be through your prayers, or finances!!


Now for an update?!

In the least negative way possible, this last week or so has been such a roller coaster ride! Kind of seems to be a theme here at YWAM! After getting completely over my last sickness for almost a week, I got sick again this week!! Seriously frustrating! There is a lot of sickness being passed around campus! Please be praying for health for all!!!!

First off, I am getting close

If I had to sum up the last week/all of my time here in two words, I'd have to say overall it's been fun, & challenging! 

Fun in the sense that I am enjoying getting to know all of the kind folks here! 

Challenging in the sense that my faith has been challenged in various ways.

(On a drive out to Waimea)

This week I met more wonderful people, had some amazing conversations & some craaaazy experiences! Monday, Tuesday & Thursday Darlene Cunningham spoke, that was awesome. She shared some incredible testimonies of how the Lord formed YWAM! So amazing! Also spoke about pursuing the dreams that the Lord has placed in our hearts.

(Beautiful Sunset! From last Saturday)

On Wednesday Heidi Baker spoke in the morning and at night. That's what brings me to the low of the roller coaster! I don't have much to say about her, or her teaching other than she is a very animated speaker. I have some video footage that I shot from Wednesday night. Planning on editing that soon.

On Thursday night & Friday morning we had a really great speaker (I cannot remember her name) from Sex + Money Film come and share about her journey with the Lord & how He brought her to making the Sex + Money documentary. It was a super touching story and I was blown away & shocked by what she had to share about sex trafficking in the US. I really felt the Lord tugging at my heart when she was sharing about her ministry. Here's a link to the trailer of the film:

Yesterday was a very refreshing day, took a super long nap, rested and made some jewelry! If you wanna check it out, or buy some to support me, & get some super cute jewelry, here's the link ---> ETSY <--- where you can buy it!

This is another video I made from the end of last week! Planning to film some more stuff tonight!!

Fast Forward Motion

This week has gone by SO fast! I cannot comprehend that it is already Friday night! I could have sworn yesterday was Monday!!! 

It has been a bit of a rough week! On Saturday I had some weird meat at lunch that made me pretty stinkin' sick! I haven't really felt up to updating because of it! Luckily I am feeling much better now & am almost completely back to my normal self!

I am really tired & it is pretty late- so I don't feel like going into extreme detail about anything now! So I'll just say a few things!!

This week was Holy Spirit week! It was very... interesting to say the least! Honestly, I'm still processing & it's pretty hard to put into words! It's a topic that is quite controversial among different denominations & backgrounds! Throughout the teaching there were some things that were highlighted that were of that controversial nature! I don't know where I stand completely on some of those subjects, so it has been quite the adventure sifting through those things with the Lord and scripture. I have definitely been tested & stretched this week!

That's all I'm gonna say for now, since I'm starting to fall asleep! 

BUT, here's a really short, raw video of some of the pretty things I've seen here so far! 

(I'm really into doing time lapse video right now, so I wanna go out & shoot more! Haven't had time yet! Hopefully this weekend!!)

I am so blessed to be here!

I am SO blessed to be here! I am SO blessed to be here!

It has been such a wonderful time of stretching, learning, leaning & trusting. 

The Lord has been drawing stuff out of me that I didn't know was there! Teaching me SO much about who He is, & who He has created me to be!

Today was SO full!

This morning at the end of class, we met in our outreach groups & had a time of prayer for us individually. It was amazing, so freeing and powerful! Definitely felt a sense of unity today among the team!

After lunch, we headed to the prayer room on most days. We're usually there from 1-3!

 Hours of straight prayer and worship ministering to the Lord, & allowing Him to minister to us!!! Built into my schedule on a daily basis! It is so amazing! I am learning a lot of endurance! It's SO good!

I also ABSOLUTELY LOVE my work duty! It is such a rewarding way to serve! Such a blessing! I get to do some yard work with some amazing people. I feel so joyful while I'm outside raking! It's so silly! I come back so dusty and happy!

Then, tonight we had the Thursday night Gathering. Funny that there's 'the Gathering' at VBC thursday nights & the Gathering HERE on Thursday nights! It's our weekly service as a campus! Lorne Cunningham (the founder of YWAM) spoke about LOVE tonight. It was very powerful to hear him talk about his friend Corey Tinboom. 

 We sang all hymns tonight, which was SOOOOO refreshing!! I was absolutely blown away by how powerful, rich & meaningful the lyrics to the songs are. I love singing words that are directly talking to & declaring God's goodness!

1. Holy, Holy, Holy
2. Only Thou art holy; there is none beside Thee,
3. Perfect in power, in love, and purity

I definitely feel like I am on a roller coaster at times! Life isn't perfect, even at YWAM! 

HA.

 BUT- it's cutting it close! 

At different points throughout the day I am so over filled with gratitude that I'm here. Other moments I'm incredibly overwhelmed, unsure & missing home, BUT- I know this is EXACTLY where God wants me. Without a shadow of a doubt!!!

God is SO MUCH GREATER than I could ever possibly understand, or communicate!!!

Masiphumelele!!!

Masiphumelele, South Africa!!

Today they announced our outreach locations and I'm on the South African team!! I literally cannot believe that's where I'm going to be sent!! 

I was in total shock, well kind of!

Here's the story!:

There are over 120 Fire & Fragrance DTS students & staff, so there were 11 different locations for the outreach to choose from! (I said that the other day!) 

Yesterday in class they wrote all 11/ up on the board and told us we weren't allowed to talk to our friends, or use our cell phones! Then told us we have ten minutes to pray & write down our top two choices! 

TEN MINUTES! 

So, I sat there, NO idea which to choose!! 

The options were: 

China/North Korea

Turkey/Northern Afghanistan 

Berlin/Poland

 Amsterdam/The Netherlands

 Japan

 East Coast of the USA

 Honolulu

 Nepal

 Cambodia

 South Africa

I started praying and unfortunately I didn't hear a booming voice saying "JAPAN" or anything at all! People here had visions, and have had places on their hearts and minds for awhile, but I was totally at a loss! I came in with NO expectations... So I just sat there, most people walked up - ...and I still sat there! 

Then in the last few minutes two stuck in my mind... 

South Africa & Amsterdam/The Netherlands.

I just kept randomly going back to them & repeating them in my head! 

So I wrote them down!

The leaders told us that hopefully a week or so they'd let us know, unless there was some kind of miracle! (You could sense they seemed to think it was gonna take quite some work & time to get 120 people organized into groups!)

 They also told us to be flexible, because there was a chance that we wouldn't be placed in either! So, I was expecting to wait at least a week! 

Then-this morning, sure enough, there was a miracle!

Almost everyone got their first choice! It just worked out perfectly that we were all placed in either our first or second choice! So cool! The leadership said it's the fastest they'd ever heard of getting the locations all figured out! 

So, I'm going to South Africa!!!!!!!!

Here are a couple of pictures from the last couple days!

The sunset yesterday!

 A necklace I made yesterday!

 The sunset tonight!

My friend Kristen and I walked out to this spot to have to read & have a quiet time! 

We ended up chatting the whole time, & didn't read at all, but BOY it was beautiful!!! 

I am SOOO BLESSED!!! 

Andy Byrd, our speaker for this week, included this verse today in his teaching today! Such an amazing time of teaching and worship! He passionately spoke of how all that we do should be fueled by our love of God. Not our striving to please and attain His love. 

Zephaniah 3:17 ESV

"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing."

Here's a little video from my New Years at the Emerald Palace!!

Overwhelmed!

The last few days have been SO overwhelming!! I am super exhausted now, so I am sorry if my sentences drag, or are confusing! Hard for me to even begin to think of what to write!! I am an introvert running on no alonetime fuel!

I'm not sure if I wrote this in any of my other posts or not, but there are over 100 people in my Fire & Fragrance DTS! I heard today that since there are SO many people there will be 11 places to choose from for the outreach! Please be praying that I would be wise with my time, so I can be energized to be social! It's been stretching (in a REALLY GOOD way!!!) to be around so many people all of the time!! I'm definitely adjusting! And please be praying for the Lords leading in choosing my outreach location!!!! 

Anyways... This is what my last few days have looked like!!

Friday- the day before yesterday! (which feels like a week ago) we had orientation, & the "Aloha Welcome Night"! They had amazing dancers & performers, like this fire dancer...

...it was super neat and fun! The founder of YWAM, told the story of how God lead him to start the organization! 

Then, Saturday-we went to this AMAZING beach & I took these sweet pics!

Beautiful waves & lovely shades of blue & turquoise water!

One of my new friends Kristen!!

The waves were HUGE!

 I picked my first Plumeria!

 & then they had a carnival for us! 

 We had silly matching moustaches painted at the face painting station!

 & there was even a pie eating contest with COSTCO pumpkin pies. Literally HUGE pies!

Today- the weather was PERFECT! I visited Living Stones Church & sat outside! The view of the waves crashing against the rocks was absolutely AMAZING! So refreshing to see a familiar face! Also really funny to see the similarities in mannerisms of Tim & Bill Barley. I was also really encouraged by the message! 

Worked on some jewelry for awhile... Only took one picture of what I've made... More to come!

Got to Skype and talk on the phone with quite a few of my favorite people back home! Felt so refreshing. 

I topped off the night with a walk at sunset with a few new friends. One from Pennsylvania, one from Minnesota & one from Germany!

We went down to Hawaii's First Church, where there was an orchestral concert! It was absolutely beautiful music and they ended the night with the singing of hymns. 

We sang It Is Well last, (which we also sang this morning at "LSC") and as we came to the last chorus, all of the old folks stood up and lifted their voices and hands to the heavens. It was so incredibly powerful!!! I've never been amongst such a vibrant, strong group of older folks!! It brought me to tears! Such a beautiful evening!